Anxiety Therapy : Attachment Theory & Our Brain Part II
Anxiety Therapy
There are experiences you often think about, where you start to feel scared so you start to distance yourself from a loved one. You notice it is hard to open up to others. You hold difficulty in trusting another’s intentions. You continue to ask yourself why it is hard to be vulnerable and when you think of trying it starts to feel wrong.
Our Anxious Brain and Attachment
We have reviewed in part 1 of “Anxiety Therapy: Attachment Theory and Our Brain” how our brain in takes information from our experiences and creates a bandwidth of defense mechanisms. In part 2, you will be able to understand the connection in how your early experiences impact how we act in relationships to others. Increasing understanding onto how our defense mechanisms can impact our attachment style. Increasing insight onto the connection between the difficulty in relating to others and past experiences that have created defense mechanisms to protect you.
There is a fear being vulnerable, trusting others, and expressing emotions without worried thoughts.
Now we know that fear and worried thoughts go hand and hand. When we feel scared, it deters us from engagement in behaviors we anticipate is going to cause us hurt. Pain is an emotion our body recognizes quite well, and our brain does not want us to experience it. It can be the physical responses of yelling, criticism, judgement, dismissiveness from parents as a kid. This is the pain that we try to avoid in current relationships with others and why it feels like a mental game when others enter our lives and we are trying to figure out if they are safe and will not cause you pain.
If your parents were not able to validate your emotions, it makes it a lot more difficult to trust someone else’s ability to create a safe space and not hurt you. If your parents were not emotionally present, maybe you had to learn to depend on yourself and it has led you to be wary of depending on others. Insecure attachment styles are the result of these examples of a childhood, leading to having different worries around openness with emotions and thoughts. An avoidant attachment withholds worried thoughts connected to a loss of independence. To ease their worried thoughts, they will create distance from others that pose a threat. An anxious attachment withholds worries around being loved back. To ease their worried thoughts, they will engage in behaviors to re-establish connection and receive reassurance from others.
How can you start to identify what your worried thoughts are trying to tell you within relationships with others? Sit down with your thoughts and identify the worries that show up for you as you think about past friendships or romantic relationships. Ask yourself if there is a common thread of thoughts and feelings attached to these moments. In addition, does it remind you of experiences within your childhood? What were the responses to your emotions or a hug as a kid?
YOU can slowly decipher how your brain has been trying to protect you from being hurt.
YOU can work towards having those answers for yourself.
This can be done with a therapist, where you can process those past memories relating to your past hurts, explore the common thread to your feelings, and ultimately highlight the more corrective experiences to help create a secure attachment (more on that in a later post).
Ligia Orellana BIPOC & LGBTQ Affirming Therapist in Los Angeles, CA Specializing in Anxiety and Toxic Relationships.
The role I take on within therapy is to help guide my clients towards this path of understanding, certainty, and compassion. If you are ready to target this, you can read more about how I can help here and schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation here.
I wish you good vibes in your healing journey!
Ligia Orellana, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
